I guess you could say I never grew up in a Christian home. Both my parents and my grandparents would have said they believed in God, but God was never a discussion nor was I ever taught who He was or what He had done for me. They, by all accounts, were good people by the world’s standards.
Even from an early age, after my parents divorced, I knew there was a God, but I didn’t know who He was or how to know Him. I still can remember asking myself the question, “If God created everything, then who created God?” I never got an answer to this question during my childhood. Instead, my childhood was chaotic. I excelled at sports, but emotionally, I was a wreck.
I grew up in a home with two cultures. My mom was trying to do the best she could after being in a car wreck that left her in a coma for three days. My grandparents were veterans of World War 2. My grandfather spent 30 years in the Navy and my grandmother was by his side every step of the way. At that time, my dad was not really involved in my life. There was much I was missing in the way of guidance. All of this would come out in very destructive ways. I think it’s important to note my mom would take my brother and I to church, however, I wanted nothing to do with it. I was the kid who sat in the backseat of a hot car with no air-conditioning, so I wouldn’t have to go inside.
From about age 14, I began smoking and drinking and getting high. Surprisingly, I was still very good at sports. A year later, I thought there was no use in living and tried to take my life. By my mid-teens, my destructive behavior led to me running away, ruining a potential soccer scholarship, being mixed up with the wrong crowd, and then a tragedy occurred which sent me down an even darker path. My brother, Ralph, was driving home from trying to get into college and fell asleep at the wheel. He was killed when his car rolled over and he was thrown out the back windshield. I was in the room when they took him off of life-support.
It was at this point when I was so broken – somehow, someway – God led me to start attending a church. Perhaps, I was just trying to find relief from my pain. There came a day when they made an alter call and, moved with emotion, I went forward. I remember being baptized – even coming out of the water (I can still remember it now). For a short time I wanted to know God. I attended church, tried to make friends, and even told people about God. But there was one major problem – I didn’t know the gospel. I made an emotional decision which had me feeling relieved for awhile, but I didn’t understand why the gospel was good news. I didn’t understand my sin against God. In short, I was a false convert. This became very clear and apparent one day as I was praying, I asked God who I should be like in the Bible. With my eyes closed, I opened the Bible, and the first word that I came to was, Jesus. I quickly closed the Bible and said there must be a mistake. I thought I was to be like Peter or like one of the other apostles – not Jesus.
Over the course of my life up to October 16, 2008, there was no fruit or evidence that I was a believer. I lived in the world and was of the world. I went to college, but dropped out. I was in the military and accomplished many things, but also never achieved the way I should have. I made a name for myself in food & beverage, but the drugs, alcohol, and two failed marriages only showed I was trying to put a band-aid over the gaping wound, which was my sin against God. I’m not exactly sure what month it was, perhaps October or November the year before I was saved – my second marriage was at an end. I had no hope, I was an alcoholic, I was desperate for anything. Then one night I had made a plan and I knew in my heart I could end my life. I mean, I really knew I could do it. It’s that type of “know”, when you speak it, it can happen. Just as I started to take my first drink, I got a message from a girl who said she wanted to start hanging out with me. I don’t know why I didn’t go through with the plan, but this started the path of the Lord leading me out of Minnesota to Florida where He would save me. There were only two books I brought out of Minnesota – one was a book on running a bed & breakfast, and the other was the Bible my mom gave me.
So many things happened during that time. So many bad things…but, I actually became more aware that God was doing something in my life. Time after time, He was answering my crying out to Him. He would close one door, but then open another. It’s hard to explain, but I just knew He was doing a work.
When I finally got to Florida, things changed pretty quickly. I was reading in the Word and I was even watching Charles Stanley on TV. One day, my girlfriend said, “What is this?! Turn it off! It’s giving me a headache!” I said, “I need to hear more.” Within two weeks, she was gone and I was left alone – just the Lord and myself. During which time, I was still in a bad place. I was even going around to public ash trays to get cigarettes out of them. I was, for all practical purposes, at rock bottom with nowhere and no one to turn to. Day after day, I was being crushed by the weight of my sin and depravity. I had done so much harm. I had lied, stolen, cursed and just about every other form of anger you could think of. Day by day. I was also hearing this preacher share the Word of God. With every program, I was being convicted, broken, full of sorrow and hopelessness. Yet, at the same time I knew – I just knew – something was happening. I was just about to lose the home I was living in – if that happened, I knew it was over. Then came that night, that amazing night. It was October 16th, 2008 and I was sad because it was the anniversary of my brother’s death so many years ago. Charles Stanley was on TV and he was preaching the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ. All of a sudden, I became aware that all my sin was against God! The guilt of my sin against God became overwhelming. I knew I was guilty and I knew it was right for God to punish me; I knew I deserved His wrath in hell. But then, I saw Jesus and I saw what He did for me on the cross! I saw that He took my place and paid my debt, if only I would trust in Him; if only I would believe God sent Him to do for me what I could not! I saw Jesus risen and victorious! The Lord Jesus was not in the grave – He overcame the grave! I saw my Lord, my Savior and my King risen and calling me home! I knew I was dead, but in Christ Jesus I would be forgiven of my sin and given life – true life – eternal life in Jesus! I began to cry and weep so much. I cried out to God to save me, to forgive me and that I believed He sent Jesus His Son to pay my price. I cried and cried out for God to have mercy on me and save me from my sin and His wrath! That night I fell asleep crying and weeping. The next morning I woke up a new creation!
I awoke from my sleep and I was different. It’s still hard for me to explain. I know what God’s Word tells me. I know I was a new creation…but. But, for the first time I did not feel condemned! I was not worried or fearful or even burdened. What I was, was joyful and happy and light…I felt light. That morning, for the first time, I was eager to be in God’s Word and in prayer. This time, His Word was alive – it was as though God was speaking directly to me. I wanted to read all of His Word. It was more than just a good book you could not put down, it was life and truth…it was alive! As I went to the Lord in prayer, I was very much aware I was really speaking to God and that He heard me! More than that, I was absolutely aware He loved me and was right there with me!
My circumstances had not changed and they would not for a while. It did not matter that I was almost homeless again, or that I had almost no food and no money. I was keenly aware of what my circumstances were, but they did not matter. I was actually in a better place. The same God who created me and saved me could and would care for me!
Really, all I wanted to do is be in prayer and in His Word. I had a deep desire to tell people about Jesus and what He had done for me – how He saved me! I would walk down the street and just sing a song to the Lord! When I was back at the place I was staying I would spend time in that Bible my mom gave me. I would read a verses and go cross reference each and every passage. I could not have enough of God’s Word in me. The time I spent in prayer with the Lord seemed like a moment in time, but it was really a significant period of time.
The Lord began doing many things for me. He began to heal my relationship with my dad, mom, and others in my life. He placed in my heart to ask for a church to attend. I don’t know how else to explain it but I began to love people. I had not remembered ever caring for people the way I was then. I also remember I began to hate things I knew were wrong, things I knew God hated. Over the course of the next year, God had placed me in a job, given me a church to worship at, saints to encourage me, my family restored and even going and sharing the good news of the Lord Jesus! I was blessed to cook breakfast for the men of the church and also serve on Sunday’s. I was also sent by the Lord on my first short term missions trip to Northern Ireland. It was there I was seeing the Lord open doors for me to share and more than that, I was seeing the Lord use me to bring sinners under conviction, even seeking how to know God!
For the first forty years of my life I did not live for the Lord Jesus Christ. It has been my prayer and request of the Lord Jesus, that there would not be a day after He saved me where I would not be poured out to declare His praises and proclaim His glorious gospel!
Glory to God! Worthy is the Lamb, who is the roaring Lion of Judah, who is the Lord of Lord’s and King of king’s Jesus Christ!
4 But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, 5 He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we did in righteousness, but in accordance with His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit, 6 whom He richly poured out upon us through Jesus Christ our Savior, 7 so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.
Titus 3:4-7 NASB
Excellent example of Romans 8:28 NIV